Rosedreams.net

too afraid

I am the girl who sleeps at 4:00am and wakes at noon, I’m the girl with the green eyes and numb hands. I’ve survived black holes and car crushes and too-many-endings. I’ve survived.
When my cousin asked me what I want to be when I grow up I said I wanted to be stardust floating on the darkest sky. But maybe I’m already too grown up and I will never fly… I think I’m afraid of falling/failing. I’m afraid of relapsing, of those white rooms filled with whiteness (emptiness), white lights and white pills. I’m afraid of our fragility. I’m afraid you will never come (back) for me.
 
I’m the girl who collects empty lithium bottles; a hoarder of exploded stars and dreams that could never be. Do you realize I loved you once? (ashes. ashes. ashes.) It’s winter now and the sky is frozen blue. I don’t think you’ll ever know how much this silence is killing me. Is it too early, too late; I think I got lost again. I blacked-out the day before yesterday and for a moment I wasn’t thinking of you. For a moment everything was dark. I lost my balance, fell down and cried for all the lost time, all the wasted tears, years, the wasted dawns I never got to see because I was too afraid.
 
I’m just a girl, too young to drown, too old to believe anymore. It doesn’t matter what the sea-waves whisper anymore, or how cold I am. I keep walking on tear puddles, molding abandoned dreams to butterflies and setting them free. (I can’t forget. I can’t forget.)
 
I used to steal the voice of nightingales just so I could tell you the moon’s secrets. But now the sky is crumbling down. You are long gone and I’m still here, just a girl with green eyes containing the sea, just a girl with braided hair and empty hands, too afraid to let go and fly.

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3 Responses to “too afraid”

  1. Nancy says:

    This is a nicely portrayed story! When reality is far too fetched to happen, the next best thing is imagination. Fighting the impossible and making it happen there is what makes a story worthwhile.

  2. Well written! But sad! But overall its pretty good!

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