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Roses in the hospital

Eirene — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 21:13:24 +0000

People would never understand. About the nightmares that crawl underneath her skin. About the pain and the roses. Those red roses she keeps underneath her pillow. She has used the thorns to bleed herself alive, at those dark days of stillness and endless repetition of whiteness, of bareness around her.

But there are other days too. The days she collects the roses. Those incredibly fast, radiant days when she runs with palms full of sun, eyes like volcanoes, heart like neverland and breathes out glitter and kaleidoscopic worlds.

Are you on cocaine? asks the doctor.
No, she replies, unable to sit still, unable to still the tornado of thoughts that seem to have taken over her mind.
Your pupils are dilated.
No cocaine. Where would I get cocaine? I’m locked up. No key. I don’t do cocaine.
Ok. He agrees. She’s just manic. Need to bring her down, before she decides she can fly and jumps off. And gives advice and more medication and sends her off.

She leaves with hopping steps, desperately clinging on the hope that she will fly, that she will never ever crash, never again be crushed down by the devastating darkness that lurks around the corner. She laughs and talks too fast and her eyes are burning. She has to keep spinning or everything will crumble.

Hurricanes and star-rains

Eirene — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 13:40:41 +0000

Time moves in circles. Clockwise. Anti-clockwise. Existence becomes intangible; it cracks with our every movement. & We fall through coiled labyrinths that lead into motionless worlds with reigning emptiness. We can feel every hard edge and every fracture of the world; it hurts. Winter will soon come and this toxic feeling of absence will grow stronger.

We do not pretend to understand how this works. You don’t hold my hand and I don’t move towards you. We stand next to each other: with glazed lips and caked eyes, full of fire. With burning suns in the place of our hearts and thoughts travelling at the speed of light.

We give up sleeping and taking our meds. We want to dance on a bed of nails and breathe out worlds the way we breathe in fire. The electricity passes through our bodies and we travel to the edge of the universe, through celestial lanes. We cannot be grounded anymore. We cannot tame the force that binds our minds and connects every distant world and parallel dimension; every world that could be and every world that could never exist. Unable to stop the hurricanes and star-rains, we reject their manufactured truths and artificial numbness. Their constructed worlds of normalcy that reek of apathy and coldness. We reject the stability that comes from deep roots that keep us stranded; we crave Hermes’ wings and at this moment anything is possible.

    But moments fade away fast. They don’t last; not for eternity, like childhood scars do. Like melancholy and pain do.
       But we forget this truth and orbit around orange-red suns; and we will play with fire, until there is nothing left of us.
          But even so, and even for a just a moment, we will be so violently and so fully alive.

The Calm before the Storm

Eirene — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 11:51:00 +0000

Falling ocean-deep into a dark whirlwind of thoughts and starry skies. There is a strange calmness as I slowly spin around on the harbour’s dark gravel. The fading voices of the people blowing smoke, the bronze half moon that we watch sinking. The tied boats and monochrome lights that create patterns around the small village. All these people who spit out words and laughter, who call me by my name and share their food and drinks and cigarettes with me – all these people I’m surrounded with… And yet I’m alone. They think I’m real, but I’m only an echo. Time and space behave as if in a dream and I’m forced to hash my screams – I know what happens to dream characters when the dream ends. I know and I clasp the rail and hold on as firmly as I can. I will not be sucked away into nothingness; I will not dissolve into air. Not yet.

But for how long?

We see clouds gathering on the sky. Sunlight never lasts. Soon the darkness will come – as it always does. I will sink in it and let it consume me whole. And when I jump into nothingness, it will be willingly.

Persephone’s Curse

Eirene — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 23:45:43 +0000

Today we saved a butterfly and painted glitter flowers with tiny pollen flakes. This is another faerie dream that has sprung out of a rift in nightmares. And I think I was crying in a dream, but I don’t remember what you looked like.
All I can see now is tiny star-shaped flowers sprinkled with fairy dust. I see kaleidoscopes twisting, swirling and disappearing like rainbows on a cloudy sky.
The sun hasn’t set for days. I can’t seem to stop running. Chasing light gleams and sea-songs. Almost like a child.

Almost. Because deep down I know the truth. I know the sun will set. I know it would have to die. I know Hades would climb up from the depths of the earth and he would drag me down to the mouldy darkness. Always. He always comes and I always fall.

(2009-5-7)